I Miss You - I Love You
by ClockworkInsanity
Summary: Light finally comes to terms with his heartache and the reason for its painful existence. LxLight, set after L's death.


**A/N: So at some point while I was trying to get out of my abominable writer's block on my other Death Note story, my brain spewed out a one shot. Oh well. It's not been beta-read, so I'm sorry if it has typos and stuffs.**

**It's LxLight, somewhat, and set after L's untimely death.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"I miss you."

_There_, Light thought, _you finally said it, out loud. And you meant it._

Light felt a stabbing pain in his chest as he whispered the words, like his heart was going to split apart and crumble inside of him. It didn't hurt him any more, though, just reminded him of his ever-present longing for the dead to return. He'd first felt it a few days after his 'friend's' death, when he's turn around to ask the man a question and it hit him suddenly that he was no longer there and was never going to be there again.

Light had been utterly confused and startled at the time; although he was Kira, he had believed himself to be having a heart attack. It had reduced to a dull, throbbing ache after a while, though, and Light had been none the wiser as to what this pain that kept appearing was until some time later.

The pain surged again at his thoughts and Light put a hand over his heart, as if about to rip it out. Oh, how he wished he could do just that.

_Damn you, L. This is what you've reduced me to._

Light sighed and looked up at the ceiling of his apartment. He might have been able to deal with the pain better if it hadn't been for the other thing, the thing that alerted him to the source of his discomfort.

The dreams.

At first he thought they were nightmares - horrid images imagined by the most dark, masochistic corners of his brilliant mind to torture him at night. He gradually realised that he actually _enjoyed _the twisted-yet-beautiful scenarios his brain conjured for him, enjoyed them so much that he would wake up panting and sweating or sobbing and wailing for it to come back, depending on the kind. No matter what they were about or what happened in them, though, Light would wake up unbelievably sad and wishing desperately that what had just occurred was real.

Always.

Light had recently woken from one such fantasy, one that when he awoke had pained him so much he had had to quietly leave the bed he shared with Misa and tip-toe into their living room. He had collapsed on their sofa, where he still remained countless minutes later.

As he sank further into the plush cushions Misa had insisted they _had _to have, the dream pushed itself back to the front of his mind, showing him flashes of his deepest wishes and desires.

His hands tangled in and pulling on soft, black hair.

A shocked moan from the gorgeous detective as Light's teeth grazed his neck.

Lips on his, moving fast and in sync as the two yearned to close whatever gap could be left.

Bare skin touching bare skin.

Light's hands on his lover's chest.

Forehead touching forehead, the couple's heavy breathing brushing each other's faces.

Him and L, together. The one thing he could never have. The thing that he had taken away from himself before he even had a chance to truly know what it was.

Light's breathing became ragged as he attempted to drag himself out of the place in his mind he wanted to stay the most. For the billionth time, he mentally tried to convince himself that he had made the decision.

_You had to do it! You had to make Rem kill him! _Light's mind screamed at himself. _You had to, or you would be nowhere near as close as you are to becoming ruler of a new world, where Kira is the law! Where would you be now if you hadn't gotten rid of him? In a jail cell, waiting on death's row! This is your dream, isn't it?_

"No," he whispered. "It isn't. Not any more."

Just as his actual dreams threatened to send him spiralling back into a whirlwind of pleasure and pain, a voice from the doorway drew him back into reality.

"Light?" Misa asked him, a concerned look falling over her features. "Are you alright? I woke needing the toilet - which I still do - but I noticed that you weren't in bed and got worried, since you're far more important than a bathroom break." Her eyebrows creased into an unattractive frown as she spoke her next words. "It's not one of those terrible nightmares you've been having that caused this, is it?"

Light almost laughed. Even though he now knew that they were amazing dreams, not those of the terrifying kind, Misa still believed that they haunted him. They did, kind of, but not in the way she thought.

"I'm fine, Sweetheart. Go to the bathroom or go to bed."

"Are you sure, because Misa can stay if you want, I mean you know that's fine right? I'd do anyth-"

"_GO_, Misa!" Light growled the words and his so-called 'girlfriend' squeaked and ran from the room.

Light put his head in his hands. Everyone believed Misa and Light were happy, but he wasn't. He never had been, not with her. No matter who he tried to fill the gaping hole in his hear with - whether it be Misa, Takada or someone else - no one fitted in the gap.

Light put his head in his hands, feeling dreaded salt water prick at his eyes. They fell before he could tell himself otherwise and soon enough he found himself sobbing like a broken child over a man he didn't even know the real name of, a man he'd stupidly fallen in love with without even realising that that was what he had done.

Yes, love.

He'd never admitted it outside of his own head, but he knew that he was very much in love with the dead genius and probably would be till the day he died.

_Go on_, a voice urged him, _say it. Say it, out loud._

_Say it._

"L..." He took a deep breath before whispering the most truthful words he'd ever uttered in his life.

"I love you."


End file.
